"Wait a Minute...What am I Doing?!"

We have all had moments when we find ourselves saying "Aha! I think I understand now!"  Then there are those moments in life when we survey our circumstances, stop, declare, and ask, "Wait a minute!  What am I doing?!" 

When Neil and I were dating, we went to Six Flags Great America in Chicago where there was a ride appropriately called "The Dare Devil".  This is a free fall swing from 12.5 stories (150 feet) in the air.  I always loved the rush!  I had been cliff jumping off a forty foot ledge into the water at Devil's Lake in WI.  I had done mountain climbing and repelling the bluffs in British Columbia, Canada, and white water rafting in Calgary, Alberta. This ride greatly appealed to my sense of adventure! 

After being briefed of our instructions from the ride instructor, Neil and I were strapped in to a sort of "body sling" and began our 150 foot ascent.  We reviewed our instructions together on our way up.  "When the instructor says, 'Three-two-one...Fly', Neil pulls the cord, and we will free fall straight down.  OK, got it."  Once we hit about the 75 foot mark, the people below began looking a little too small for my comfort.  100 feet...and I had my "Wait a minute...what are we doing?" moment.  That is when Neil began to have a little fun with me. 

"I sure hope this thing works", he said with a half serious look on his face.  I looked at him with a questioning look.  125 feet and counting...

"I mean, do I pull this cord?  Or was it this one?"  I tried to stay cool, but I am sure my face all too readily revealed my concern.  150 feet.  We stopped.  Pause.  Then the instructor's voice came over the loud speaker.  "OK, Neil, 3-2-1...(another dramatic pause, and then...) FLY!"  Neil pulled the cord.  I am pretty sure I screamed.  I have to be honest, though, after that first swing through, I was loving it!  As the swing slowed down and by the time we got our feet back on the ground, I was ready for more!  A little too expensive for a second trip up and back, but the first one was definitely worth the thrill!

Since then, I have had a few of those "wait a minute...what am I doing" moments in life.  I've noticed that they usually come during times when I look around at the circumstances in life and feel I have no idea what I have gotten myself into. 

I am reminded of Peter who wanted to believe that it was really Jesus walking on the water towards him and his buddies in the boat in the middle of a storm.  Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, if that is really You, then tell me to come to You on the water."  Jesus said, "Come, Peter".  And Peter stood up in the boat.  He didn't think twice.  He stepped out onto the water and began walking towards Jesus.  (Matthew 14:22-31)

Who knows how far he really got before he realized what he was actually doing.  I think often we picture Peter about five to ten steps out on the water before he realized the gravity of his situation.  However, I wonder if he was a good fifty or a hundred feet out before he had a reality check, so to speak.  I wonder this because in my life, it seems God waits until I am in completely in over my head before my "reality check" hits me full in the face.  Once I am so far, there is no going back, leaving me with only two options: stop and sink or trust God for the outcome and keep moving forward.  I'm just speculating, but I kind of think Peter was out there a ways before he realized where he was and what he was doing.  He really couldn't pull a "Scooby-Doo", turn around and run back to the boat.  It was sink or look to the One who called him out there and keep moving forward. 

Peter was doing just fine...and then he had his moment, his "wait a minute; what am I doing" moment.  He said, "Lord, save me!"  He really didn't need saving.  He was already doing what he was called to do in that moment, which, in fact, was a miracle, but it all seemed quite normal until he looked around. 

The other night, I was lying down on our loveseat facing the wall with our family pictures.  The reality of my life began to settle into my mind.  I could see myself married, but having two kids?  Being a mom?  For some strange reason, that all of a sudden, that felt weird.  Then to top that, we have two children with special needs.  OK, that sunk a little deeper.  Then I began to think...we live in Texas...working with special needs...helping out on various teams in our church...reaching out to families and other churches...working and networking with respected organizations and ministries to further the Gospel...and adoption?!

In my past, I have been honoured to work with so many ministries, but they have all been short term -- a couple years here, a few years there.  Now, eight years into child rearing, there is NO going back!  I am in this for the long haul!  I had my "Wait a minute! What am I doing?" moment right there on the loveseat, and I flashed back to the few minutes of being hoisted up 12.5 stories in the air and those 30 seconds of panicky feelings in my chest right before Neil was told to pull the cord and "fly". 

I remembered when Neil pulled that cord, I screamed half way down, but once I realized I was safe in the midst of that free fall, I truly felt as though I was flying!  Once Peter realized he was safe in Jesus' arms, although Jesus asked him why he doubted, did his heart soar at what Jesus had called him to do?  I wonder if in that moment, Peter began to understand the contrast between how the calling of God in our lives supersedes the limitations that this life mandates.  We can see how the gravity of that truth seemed to sink into Peter's heart as we follow the rest of his life.  There is no need for fear, just obedience.  We can walk forward confidently trusting God for the ability to carry out His calling in our lives regardless of the circumstances.  Philippians 1:6 says,

"I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

And there, finally, is my "aha" moment.