Friday, June 1, 2012

My Rant; I am Throwing Down a Challenge

Well, it has been six months since my last blog.  Too long!  Honestly, I have been involved in another writing project.  I will let you know if it gets published.  I am still in the process.

Today I took Noah and Judah to the playground.  We were there for around thirty minutes before it began to get a little too crowded for my boys.  Noah was ready to go, so we made the two minute drive up the road to another playground, rarely used.  Perfect.  There was no one there, not that a handful of other children would have been a bad thing.  We parked.  The boys got out.  They began playing.  Another vehicle pulled up and parked.  A whole family with two younger children got out.  The dad came and sat at my picnic table to watch his wife, daughter (about five years old), and son (about three years old) play.  All was well until...

Noah approached me at the picnic table and said in his quiet, sweet voice, "Swing?"

"You may go swing, Noah."  He stood there looking at me.  "Noah, what else you would like?" I asked him, knowing that he wanted me to push him.

"Mommy, come", he said.  This is his way of asking for help.

I got up and walked over to the swings with him.  I greeted the other mom on the way with a cheerful "good morning".  She smiled back and returned my greeting.  Once Noah was on the swing, I began pushing.  He was loving it!  Judah saw us and trotted over to join us.  Judah directed me over to the swing he had chosen by taking my hand and guiding me. I helped him up and began pushing Judah. He laughed and laughed as I kept pushing him higher and higher.  I looked over at the other children playing on the slides and jungle gym.  They were, also, having a great time.  And so was I!

By this point, I think it was pretty obvious that by the way my boys communicated and how they got SO excited over swinging that they were children with special needs.  The other mom had gone over to sit next to her husband at the picnic table where I was previously sitting.  They had been there maybe fifteen minutes from the time they pulled up in their vehicle.  Then the dad called over to his kids.  Mom helped round them up.  I watched, a little confused why they were leaving so soon.  He became very stern with them.  Then the little girl asked, "Why are we leaving?'

"We are going to check out another playground", he stated in a matter-of-fact tone.  Then they left.

How do I take this?

When we lived in Iowa, with the exception of my MOPS group of moms, everytime I took my sons to a playground to play and other moms were there with their children, inevitably a mom would notice Noah's odd behavior.  When I explained that he has autism, without fail, the other moms would collect their kids and leave our area.  One time, there were two moms, who were friends, that brought their children to the playground to play.  They were prepared to stay for quite awhile.  I only knew this because they had their packs of food and coolers of drinks with them.  The kids had taken their shoes off and were running around and playing tag on the monkey bars and slides.  One of the moms, who had been observing Noah for a number of minutes, asked me, "What is he doing?  Why is he flapping his arms like that?"

"He is just really excited", I responded.  "He really enjoys being around other children, and he is having fun watching them play."

Not five minutes later, the moms had packed up their children and went to another part of the park to play.  It was strange to me because they left their packs and coolers right where they were, as though they were going to come back for them.  "Oh, well," I thought.

About thirty minutes later, Noah and Judah were ready to go home.  I gathered them together and loaded them in our Durango.  As I was pulling out, I saw the two moms and all their kids coming back to the play area and settle into their former routine and games.

Once...okay, it is probably in my head, and I am being hyper-sensitive.  Twice...coincidence?  Every time?  Yep, I am taking it personally now.  It hasn't happened in five years, that is, until today.

So, there is my "rant".  Now for my challenge.

I have to say one thing to all those who are afraid of individuals with special needs: they are NOT poisonous, contagious, or toxic to the environment.  I really don't mean to be rude.  I completely understand being intimidated from not knowing what to say or do.  I understand ignorance at not knowing what to expect or anticipate.  Fear can come from that, right there.  What I don't understand is the total rejection without batting an eye.  I don't understand making an individual, or whole family for that matter, feel like a cow patty in the middle of a field in farming country: insignificant, undesirable, unwanted, and at all costs, something to be avoided.  It boils down to pride and self-centeredness.  I challenge you to go a little beyond your comfort zone when you come across someone with special needs.  Odds are they have been rejected their entire life and are used to that "special treatment".  If for just five minutes, take time to smile and say "hello" or hold a door open.  Make them feel not just "special", but valued.  Who doesn't want that?

Sometimes I wonder if people are thinking, "What will people think of me if I talk to that person?"  Lol...really?  My question to you is, "What will they think if you don't?"  On one hand, people will either think negatively of you (but not too negatively because they would have done the same thing) if you do or say nothing...that is, if they actually think anything of you at all.  Let's face it, most of the time, people aren't thinking about what you are doing or saying, unless it affects them in some way.  On the other hand, if you, for a moment gave an individual with special needs the time of day for only two minutes to smile and say "hello", people around you will feel good.  They will admire you for being somewhat heroic and standing out among the rest that just turn their heads the other way.  But mostly, a simple "hello" is what many individuals with special needs are craving.  Just like you, they want to be noticed for who they are, be accepted for their strengths and challenges, and above all, be valued for their existence.

If you are truly afraid of saying or doing something wrong, feel free to ask questions.  It is NOT offensive to ask questions.  People are longing for someone to ask about themselves!  Do you like to talk about yourself?  How would you feel if everyone completely avoided you thinking they just might say the wrong thing?  What if you became the "elephant in the room" that everyone knew was there, but no one would talk about or talk to?  Don't be timid to ask about their disability.  Ask about it!  Ask parents about their children with special needs.  Ask how they "do it" on a daily basis.  "What is life like" for them?   Try looking at those with special needs as a different culture, not another world.  People with special needs think and feel the same way you do; they just have more daily challenges facing them than a typical person does.  Ask about those challenges.  Ask about their daily routines.  Bottom line: learn about someone else who is a little different, but mostly the same, as you are.

To churches, I have one last challenge.  We have attended a number of churches in the past 10.5 years of marriage.  Very few have anything to do with individuals with special needs.  Why is that?  This goes far beyond the playground.  There is absolutely no reason why a church would have no members with special needs in their congregation.  I humbly and passionately submit, to be a church that does not embrace and welcome members in their community with special needs into their congregation, is wrong on SO many levels.  Unless there are no people with special needs in your city (and since 1 in 6 are diagnosed with something, I would be pretty skeptical of that), then the church absolutely should have a place for the special needs community.

We attended a church that placed our boys in a room by themselves, separate from the other children, and offered very little to no interaction at all.  We attended a church that told a dear friend of mine not to bring her nephew back because they were not equipped to "handle" a four-year-old with Downs Syndrome. I have sat with church leadership in various churches and heard many stories of them having to turn families away because they were not "equipped" for individuals with special needs, especially children.  I have listened to peers who have children with special needs who were turned away at various churches because that church didn't know what to do with the child with autism, the child with auditory processing disorder, the child with sensory integration issues.  My response to that is "Get equipped!"

Who are we, as the body of Christ, more like:  the disciples who didn't quite always understand the heart of Christ?  When the children raced to see Jesus and the disciples tried to hold them back, Jesus said, "Let the children come to Me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God" (*Mark 10:14).

Are we more like the Pharisees who made sure they looked like they had it all together?  "And a man with a shriveled hand was there.  Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked Him, 'Is is lawful to heal on the Sabbath day?' that they might accuse Him.  And He said to them, 'What man shall there be of you, that shall have one sheep, and if this fall into a pit on the Sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out?  How much then is a man of more value than a sheep!' (*Matthew 12:10-12).

Or are we more like the self-serving crowd of people who wanted to get a better look at Jesus, having no regard for others in the crowd who wanted to touch or be with the Christ?  And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, who had spent all her living upon physicians, and could not be healed of any, came behind Him, and touched the border of His garment; and immediately the issue of her blood stanched (was healed).  And Jesus said, 'Who is it that touched Me?'  And when all denied, Peter said, and they that were with him, 'Master, the multitudes press You and crush You.'  But Jesus said, 'Some one did touch Me' for I perceived that power  had gone forth from Me.  And when the woman saw that she was no hid, she came trembling, and falling down before Him declared in the presence of all the people for what cause she touched Him, and how she was healed immediately.  And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you whole; go in peace." (*Luke 8:43-48).

Or are we more like Jesus Christ?  Jesus touched and healed the blind, the deaf, the leper, the broken in body and in spirit.  Jesus healed those who couldn't walk.  He welcomed the those who had special needs of the body and of the heart.  Why would we, as the body of Christ, the ones who are supposed to represent and reflect Jesus Christ to those who don't personally know Him, turn certain people groups away?  Selfishness (not wanting to leave our comfort zones for sake of our convenience and ease)?  Fear of looking inadequate (pride)?  There are many reasons.  My challenge here is to get beyond ourselves in order to see and reach those who are standing right next to us.

*Scripture is copied from the English Standard Version of the Bible.  I changed the word "thee" to "you" and capitalized the pronouns referring to Christ.


13 comments:

  1. I am a brand new reader of your blog and this was passed onto me by a friend who attends church with me. I just wanted to say thank you for both your rant AND your challenge. Two of our three boys have autism and are INCREDIBLY blessed to have an amazing, amazing church that has not only welcomed us and loved on us but got out of their way to support us. Our oldest son has a buddy (church members on a rotating schedule) who shadows him through Sunday school and Worship training (Children's Church). They have gone out of their way to get to know our boys and to not be frightened (because that's what the insensitivity and lack of kindness from other's boils down to, right? Being frightened of something they don't understand) because they are different. Do I get some looks when we're in public? Sure. Do I want a shirt made up for the boys that says, "I have Autism so I apologize for my flapping arms, vocalizations, strange behavior, and inability to play the way you want me to?" Absolutely (but that would be a really, really long t-shirt-LOL). I cannot imagine being on this journey with out Jesus by my side. He is faithful and he made each and every one of our babies exactly the way he wanted them.

    Sorry to go on and on but just want to thank you for your words of encouragement and your words of challenge. I'll be making everyone I know read this!

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    1. Thank you, "Anonymous", for your comment. I really appreciate hearing what others are thinking and going through in their lives. We, too, since moving to the Austin area five years ago, have found a wonderful church to attend. In fact, there are a few churches in our area who have Sunday morning ministries for individuals with special needs. Our ministry is called "Pathways"; it sounds very similar to what your church does. I probably should have added that to my post, but I didn't want to come across as though I were "marketing our church", although, for those who are looking, I suppose that wouldn't have been the worst thing, either!

      Thank you so, so much for commenting! I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. Thank you for encouraging me!

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  2. I think I am the husband of anonymous. She todl me to read your blog post. our oldest who just turned 6 has taught me so much. i am truly blessed to have all my children. there is so mcuh to say but I will just end by saying that you are no alone. That others want to scream when others treat chidlren of special needs so unkindly. However I think that even when that happens God uses it to help me become more like Him. God bless.

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    1. I definitely agree with you, Carl. Our experiences in life are certainly opportunities to draw closer and know more intimately the One who has purposed all things, including our children with special needs.

      Thank you for your insight!

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  3. I think probably for your own mental health, you need to treat this like water off a duck's back. Educate those who are educable and let the others just go.

    Sorry you had to go through this.

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    1. Ahhh, yes, "Fatcat", you are so right. I suppose that goes with parenthood in general, as well. On a personal note, I can usually roll with the punches. Every so often someone finds that "chink" in my proverbial armour; therefore, I do need to hear those kinds of words of wisdom. Thank you for your encouragement!

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  4. I am a retired pediatric RN - sure hope they find out more about autism - what causes it and what can be done. The Lord has the answers and wish we had more! Thanks for sharing your heart with your readers!!!

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  5. I am a Family Nurse Practitioner and we have a son that is 14 with high functioning Asperger's syndrome. People don't really understand his idiosyncrasies and think that he is just being rude. I see autistic children in my office and often parents are offended if I ask if their child has been screened due to behaviors I see. No one wants to find out that their child is not perfect, but the earlier we catch it, the earlier we can try to intervene and help the parents and children adapt. I am sorry that you and your kids had to feel ostracized. Autism is not "catchy"!

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  6. Oh, that was hard to read. I agree, as followers of Jesus we need to find a way to include families of all shapes, sizes and needs. We have a MOPS group at our church too and it is brilliant. I'm going to take your post personally and look for ways to include families with different needs. Thanks for telling us how it feels to be locked out. Wishing you a lovely park with good mums to play at today (it's sunny here today, hope it is where you are too)... grace

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  7. I completely understand where you are coming from with this post and love your challenge. I have 7 children, 3 who have autism, 1 who has Down syndrome and 1 who has a dual dx of autism and Down syndrome. I struggle daily with the way people stare at us, interact with us or even comment to us. Many people are kind, but there is always the ones that blow my mind how rude they came be. I've actually written 2 blog posts recently describing my feelings on this very subject. Here is the 2 links to my posts if you'd like to read them: http://www.ourversionofnormal.blogspot.com/2012/01/feeling-bit-lost-in-perfect-world.html and http://www.ourversionofnormal.blogspot.com/2012/05/church-not-sure-where-we-fit-in.html

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  8. I felt like crying as I read this. As a parent of a child with autism, I can relate your stories with things I've seen as he's grown up. I've often wished that more understood & where more open to those who are different from them. I hope that some of those people read this & recognize themselves in this post, maybe it will give them a different perspective on their actions & the pain they cause.

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  9. My nephew has autism and I am so very proud of him. I have seen through the years how people's attitudes and behaviors towards him have changed. There will always be people who do not understand autism and for some reason shy away, you simply have to let it go and ask God to help them see their ignorance. There are so many wonderful organizations now that were not in place when he was born 23 years ago. Best Buddies has been a remarkable tool for him in high school. My sister and brother-in-law's church has been so very wonderful, they have embraced all the wonderful eccentric behavior.
    There have been good days, bad days and in between days. I have shared my sister's frustrations but trust me in time things always get better. This past weekend Kev won three swimming races at the Special Olympics. He has graduated from high school and has recently been accepted to a special certificate program at George Mason University. The world, people are changing for the better, they simply need to be educated on Autism, and it is happening.
    Kev has helped me and everyone around him see the world in a way we never would have and he is most definitely an amazing gift from God.
    Have faith in people, never give up.

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  10. I am very passionate about children with special needs. Both of my brothers have some degree of autism. Every year I volunteer at a 4 day over night camp for children with Down Syndrome. It is a great time and a wonderful way to honor their parents.

    I am a part of Elevation Church. We are partner with the Down Syndrome Association of the Greater Charlotte. We have a great number of children at all of our campuses that have Down Syndrome. There isn't much that I love more than seeing a child with special needs in our children's ministry.

    I hate to hear that you have had bad experiences at churches and their children's ministry. That breaks my heart

    PS - Thanks for stopping by my blog. I enjoy your writing and can't wait to read more!

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