Today I went upstairs to set Noah up with his music, and I found him with my black camera. He had erased the pictures I had taken (fortunately, there weren't too terribly many). He knew right away that I was upset. I raised my voice and said, "Noah!" Immediately, he began crying and sat down on our bed. Through his tears he said, "I'm sorry". Instantly, my heart melted and right away I felt badly for yelling his name. I sat down and cuddled him and accepted his apology and told him I forgave him. I apologized to him for yelling his name. Then I reassured him that although I like my pictures, I love him much more and that he is much more important to me than the pictures on my camera.

We snuggled for awhile, and I kissed him all over his little red, tear stained face. This was a huge moment for both of us, a break through moment for so many reasons. Both of my sons have never really responded appropriately to emotions before, especially Noah.

This is very common for someone who has autism. They don't understand emotional cues from other people. Noah could see another child crying and he, many times, would laugh. He doesn't laugh to be mean or spiteful; he just hasn't been able to switch gears from playing. He hasn't been able to understand or identify when someone is sad, angry or happy.

Most kids would say to a parent, "Why is that boy crying?" When a person cries, that is the child's cue that there is "unhappiness". Also, usually, a child can express whether she is happy, sad, or angry. My boys have not been able to do this either. I have NEVER seen Noah grasp this concept...until today.

I rarely yell at my sons. What's point? The only thing that changes is the volume of my voice, and let's face it, to any child that could be entertaining all on it's own! Usually when I am angry or upset, my voice get lower, softer, and more stern in tone. I have to admit, sometimes you can hear the frustration in my voice, too! This time I reacted instead of responding, and I raised my voice.

This time, for the first time, Noah responded appropriately to my tone with crying. HUGE for him! To boot, he even sat down on the bed instead of continuing to think we were engaging in play, and he said (WITHOUT BEING PROMPTED!), "I'm sorry". It takes a LOT if understanding to read emotional cues, put the cues together with the words, and translate the communication. It takes a LOT to know the appropriate response, find the words, and then respond with feeling.

Today I saw my son who never used to cry (except when touched or when his "safety routine" was interrupted), who never use to respond to his name, react, whatsoever, to stimulus in his environment...today I saw him FULLY engage life with understanding.

My heart was moved from hardened frustration to melting hot tears. My little 8 year old boy and I just had a conversation that hit all levels: verbally (both receptively and expressively), emotionally (identifying and responding), and relationally (apologizing and accepting forgiveness from each other) as we snuggled basking in each other's love.

I wonder how often it takes me to respond appropriately to God's correction. Do I laugh and continue playing? Am I insensitive to His tone? Do I understand the gravity of the situation? Do I react impulsively or do I respond thoughtfully with the truth of His Word in my heart?